Clone High Episode 1667 Samurai Jack: DUIJ
by Squirrel Guy
Summary: Samurai Jack stumbles upon the culture-marinated Clone High School in Exclamation, USA! and gives the students a lesson in decision-making and self-defense.


Clone High Episode 16.67- Samurai Jack: DUIJ (The Last 'J' Stands For 'Jack')  
  
Characters created by Phil Lord, Chris Miller, Bill Lawrence, and Genndy Tartakovsky  
  
Written by Andrew Kaiko  
  
  
Here's my fan fiction that guest-stars MADTV's Phil LaMarr as Samurai Jack from Cartoon Network! I chose him as the guest character because not only are the two shows designed by the same art directors, but Clone High and Samurai Jack are my two most favorite animated shows today! Also, Phil and many other cast members all appeared on MADTV. I am a meer fan of both shows and am of no relation to the production or post-production team of both shows, and so, I do not own the characters and all related subjects. All Clone High characters are copyright 2002-03 Nelvana International Limited and MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. Samurai Jack and all related subjects are trademarked and copyright 2003 Cartoon Network, an AOL Time Warner Company.  
  
(from the end of Episode 16. End cards appear with the Narrator speaking over them. As he speaks, flashes of clips from the next episode appear)  
  
Narrator: Next week, on a very special Clone High: Gandhi takes driving lessons for the first time, Abe makes a life-changing decision, and Phil LaMarr guest-stars as a certain rugged-looking samurai. Oooo, how he makes me droooool, with the long, wavy hair and frequently torn white bathrobe! Go get em', Jack! Go get em'! .I .uh. think I need a shower.  
(Beginning of THIS fan fiction episode)  
  
Narrator: Last week on a very special Clone High: Joan still loves Abe, and Abe still loves Cleo, but now, Abe loves Joan too! Where do you think THIS is gonna' go, eh, Pun Dog? (shows clip of Pun Dog in her office going 'huh'?)  
  
(THEME SONG)  
  
(We first see a bunch of short, nerdy clones in Mr. Sheepman's class, taking a test, when a bunch of big bully clones storm into the room!)  
  
Mr. Sheepman: Hey, you! Can't you read the sign on the doorway?! We're taking a test!  
  
JFK: We have some, er uh, business to take care of with a certain double- crossin' cheata'! (stares at Van Gogh, who trembles in his seat)  
  
JFK: This is for, uh, returning my cel phone with oil paint stains on it!  
  
(The camera then cuts to Mr. Sheepman, who flinches at the off-screen fight that casts a shadow on him.)  
  
Mr. Sheepman: Boy, there appears to be a lot of fights nowadays. Wonder when my paycheck comes in.  
(The next scene is suspenseful, quiet and still, like a typical Samurai Jack opening. Noon with no clouds. Panning view of the Clone High open P. E. field. Camera moves over sign that reads 'EXCLAMATION, USA- Population: Quiet. Too Quiet'. Camera moves right over the front entrance, then the school's front sign, which now reads "Clone High School- Gone With The Wind. Tumbleweeds roll by. ( (Camera goes to a deserted, open area not far from the campus. Zooms slowly in on a worn-out creature, lying face down in a dry area. He raises his head and we see that it's Samurai Jack, left to rot by a past enemy, no doubt. He struggles to regain balance and when back on two feet, notices his robes have been ripped yet again. And that his sword is missing! He looks around frantically and notices some people in the horizon.)  
  
Jack: Civilization! (approaches the P. E. field)  
(Cut to P. E. class practicing cross-country. Abe, JFK, and other clones are running.)  
  
Abe: Hey, JFK, when are you going to get your driver's license renewed?  
  
JFK: I am, er uh, gonna' start practicin' tomorrow!  
  
Abe: You don't need to practice to get your license renewed.  
  
JFK: Well, uh, you see, I've been letting Gandhi borrow my van, and I haven't been driving for a month! (Abe chuckles) Hey, wipe that grin off your face, Chuckles, or I'll sock you one!  
  
(cut to Gandhi, Cleo and Joan, on the bench)  
  
Gandhi: Yeah, Joan of Arc, I've been practicing. But I suck! And Mr. Ford isn't exactly what I call 'improvisational'.  
  
Joan: Gandhi, I realize that Henry may be like a machine, but when I got my license, I just ignored my fears and focused on learning the skills. If you do it even once a day, you'll feel much more comfortable.  
  
Gandhi: But Cleopatra doesn't drive, and she came out fine.  
  
(Joan glances at Cleo, who pours milk all over herself, and gives her a mean eye. She thinks, 'that's because she gets every other guy in school to chauffer for her!')  
(Scudworth tip-toes to the Shadowy Figure's parking lot, takes out some food for animals and giggles to himself.)  
  
Scudworth: Heheheheee! Oh, won't this surprise him! Hmhhmhmhm!  
(the bell signals the period is over, and all the clones rush to the lockers. Gandhi walks out the backdoor in his regular clothes and counts his lunch money.)  
  
Gandhi: 3, 4, 10, 7, 9, 6, 5 and a half, WHOO! I got enough for lunch!  
  
(just then, Sitting Bull appears and approaches Gandhi. Sitting Bull is dressed in a black T-shirt and is easily three times a tall as Gandhi. A shadow falls over the boy!)  
  
Sitting Bull: You! Small Four-Eye! Me need lunch money now! Gandhi: No way, Sitting Bull! Not this time!  
  
Sitting Bull: Well, maybe Four-Eye go get lost in vast wilderness and be never heard again!  
  
Gandhi: Well, maybe SITting Bull. should come to Grammar class prepared once in a while!  
  
Sitting Bull: HEAP BIG LIE! HOOKED ON PHONICS WORK FOR SITTING BULL!  
  
(at this moment, Jack is listening to the conversation from behind the top of a hill.)  
  
Jack: (gasp) That innocent man is being pressured! I must defend him!  
  
Gandhi: That's it, Snozola! Get your OWN lunch money!  
  
Sitting Bull: You dare call Sitting Bull names! Gandhi must diiiiieeeeee!  
  
(Sitting Bull raises his fist, when Jack says, 'NO! LET HIM GO!' out from behind the hood, with the sun right behind his head! They both freeze and stare. Jack leaps off the hill and in between the two. Sitting Bull attempts to fight, but Jack, using only his fists, is still better than the Indian! Typical Samurai Jack fight scenes and layouts are used to illustrate the duel, including the three split-screen, slow-motion action sequence! Jack lands on his two feet in his finishing pose. A second later, Sitting Bull falls unconscious behind him!)  
  
Gandhi: WOOOOOOOW! SHAZAAAAAAM, MAAAAAN!  
  
(Jack notices Gandhi and makes a confused face.)  
  
Gandhi: YOU TO DA MAX, JACKIE CHAN! YOU WERE LIKE "YAAAAAAAAH!" AND HE WAS LIKE, "WROOAAAAAAAARGH!" BUT YOU KICKED HIM LIKE, "WOOOOOOAAAAA! CHING CHANG CHONG!! YAAOOO!" THEN, KAPOWEE! BIFF! BANG! ZOOM! POW! SLAP! Ker-PLUNK, MAN! YOU WAS AAAALL THAT! YOU DA MAN, JACK!  
  
Jack: ... um. thank you. Take me to your leader!  
  
Gandhi: With pleasure!  
  
(Just then, Sitting Bull, almost too soon, regains consciousness and wallops Gandhi in the face!)  
  
Gandhi: WHOO!  
(The Grassy Knoll. Abe, Joan and Cleo are all at the same table.)  
  
Abe: Isn't it great? The two of you, sitting here together with absolutely no talking or staring at one another. how lucky could a man get?  
  
(Joan and Cleo are, in fact, giving each other the silent treatment and facing opposite directions. The waitress Marie Antoinette serves them each their meals.)  
  
Abe: Hey, girls! The foods here!  
  
Cleo: Abe, I didn't want sunny side up! It makes me gag!  
  
Joan: I think I got Cleo's dish. Oh well, finders keepers.  
  
Cleo: No way! Give it! Abe, you made the order- tell her to give it to me!  
  
Joan: .in more ways than one, I will!  
  
Abe: Girls, girls! What's all the fighting for? I thought we came to a compromise?  
  
Cleo: Baby, I'm fine with you having feelings for Joan, really I am! But no one can ever have two girlfriends at the same time! Cleopatra orders you to choose now!  
  
Joan: I second that. ABE! Who's it gonna' be??  
  
Abe: Where have I seen this before.  
  
(flashback to the first episode of Cleo trying to decide between Abe and JFK, which lasts about 30 seconds)  
  
Abe: Cleo, you were in that situation once! How did you finally come to the decision?  
  
Cleo: . oh, a little bird told me.  
  
(Joan shuffles in her seat)  
  
Joan: Abe, we'll give you four days to make a decision!  
  
Cleo: Two!  
  
Joan: Three!  
  
Cleo: Done!  
  
(they both leave)  
  
Abe: Wait! You both forgot to finish your meal! .and you left your favorite 'Best Friends 4-Ever' lockets! .and your lipstick! .and your left glossy black boot! .and a piece of paper saying, 'Take a hint!' on it!  
(Scudworth is in is office with Mr. B, standing in front of their big screen with the Shadowy Figure on the air.)  
  
Shadowy Figure: I'm sorry, Scudworth, but what WAS that monstrosity parked next to MY parking spot labeled 'Scudworth's Monstrosity To Completely Annoy The Shadowy Figures'?  
  
Scudworth: Oh, you DID notice! That's my little comeback from the time you hacked a virus into my new Imac! And another into MY ROOBOT!  
  
Mr. B: It's true! I went around the campus wearing lingerie and never even noticed! (he wears it that minute, and still doesn't notice!)  
  
Shadowy Figure: Cinnamon, these pranks have gone far enough! You are clearly not focusing on training these clones for combat! I've been seeing students getting beaten up left and right from the bigger bullying clones. Why, just look at the horrendous incident with Mother Teresa and Adolf Hitler!  
  
Scudworth: Ooooooh, now, let's not get into THAT!  
  
Shadowy Figure: If I don't see some freakin' physical, butt-kickin' defense moves soon, you're out of a job! Until then.PRINCIPAL! (turns off the TV)  
  
Scudworth: DAMMIT! Mr. B, whereEVA' am I going to find someone good enough to teach the clones some freakin' physical, ass-kickin' defense moves?!  
  
(Jack bursts into the office from behind Scudworth at that second, carrying a beat-up, black-eyed Gandhi by his shirt tag. Gandhi is too happy to notice how beat up he is!)  
  
Gandhi: WHAZZUP, Princ-I-PAL! You should SEE this guy! He REALLY shows off some freakin' physical, ass-kickin' defense moves!  
  
(Jack drops Gandhi onto a chair and sits himself on the other chair. Scudworth sits himself behind the desk)  
  
Jack: (a bit hesitant of the new surroundings, but keeps his composure) The fidgeting boy is right. I. do pride myself in. 'ass-kick-en'. when the situation calls for it.  
  
Scudworth: You don't saaaaaaay? (scene cuts there)  
  
(Commercial break)  
(Opens in the gymnasium. Camera focuses on sign reading, 'Clone High Freakin' Physical Ass-Kickin' Defense Seminars Here'. Camera zooms out and moves right to a bunch of awkward, geeky clones (Gandhi, Joan, Van Gogh, Abe, Buddha, Jesus Christo, Genghis, Caesar, Marie Curie, George Washington Carver, Nostrodamus, etc.), gathered around Jack. Jack sports white sport pants, and a white bandana. The clones are in their gym outfits, except for Gandhi ,who has become his greatest fanatic and is dressed like a samurai. Jack makes a speech.)  
  
Jack: I am honored to coach a team of aspiring clones of historical figures in my stay here. The lessons will be arduous, but I guarantee you will feel physically better and have higher self-esteem by the end of the program!  
  
Gandhi: True dat, Master Jack!  
  
Jack: Now, today, I thought we'd start w-  
  
Scudworth: Oh, class!  
  
(Scudworth and Mr. B also walk into the gym wearing what they deem to be Japanese sporting attire, but instead, make them look stupid.)  
  
Scudworth: I hope you young people don't mind if us old geezers join you to get in more shape!  
  
Mr. B- We ordered a box of white robes on sale at 'Extreme Bed, Bath, Linens and Things and Beyond' for 40% off the labeled price!  
  
Abe: Sure! Go right ahead!  
  
(Mr. Sheepman enters the gym, also with a robe on and his wool shaved off!)  
  
Mr. Sheepman: I'd like to sign up at the last minute too! I have some issues to settle with my ex-wife! (punches his palms)  
  
Jack: Oooooookay. I guess we can-  
  
Toots: Now I may be blind, but did I hear somethin' about a self-defense lesson?  
  
(Meanwhile, lurking in the shadows are the bullies of the school. JFK and his posse spy on the group.)  
  
JFK: Why, we can't let those pussies get as tough as us! The entire high school class hierarchy will get totally out of whack! .LET'S SABOTAGE THE PROGRAM!!!  
  
(They all say, "Yeah!")  
  
(Mr. B takes out a boom box and puts on some cheap 80's workout music) Let's rock!  
  
(Montage sequence of their exercise defense program along to the 80's music. Jack teaches them how to concentrate on various body parts to aim for, as well as typical tae kwan doe and karate movements. One shot shows Jack meditating along with Gandhi, Buddha and Jesus Christo. Other shots show JFK and his group trying to spoil the program and failing. Lasts about two minutes.)  
  
(Gandhi talks to Jack on the bleachers during their break)  
  
Gandhi: Hey, J-Man, I have to take my driver's test this weekend, and I studied hard, but I'm still scared. What if I suddenly get nervous in the middle of the test and do something wrong?  
  
Jack: Whenever I feel nervous in a situation, I calm myself, clear my mind of everything that complicates my choices, and take the most reasonable route.  
  
Gandhi: What if the most reasonable route isn't what Mr. Ford's looking for?  
  
Jack: Don't focus on the person who expects you to do something! Make it into your own achievement! Yes, sometimes, when an opponent corners me, good aim and a lot of luck is all that I can depend on! But always keep in mind that the only person the choice you make really affects is you, not anyone else who happens to influence you. You are the most important factor in your decision-making!  
  
Gandhi: Wow! Hey, you just blended my driver's test and our defense lessons into the same issue!  
  
Jack: .Yes, it's called a 'universal' idea.  
  
(Abe listens to their conversation from the other side of the bleachers, as Joan approaches him.)  
  
Joan: Abe, I'd like to remind you that your decision is due in 24 hours! (a bit solemnly) So don't make the decision because Cleo is trying to influence you about it! I hope you're thinking!  
  
(Abe stares at the lipstick Cleo had left on the seat, and then at Joan's boot. His eyes dilate as he stares off into his mind, trying to think.)  
(Jack wanders into the field where he first entered the school and notices a shiny thing lurking in the woods.)  
  
Jack: MY SWORD!  
  
(As he rushes for it, none other than Sitting Bull grabs it from his grasp!)  
  
Jack: You! Hand it over!  
  
(Sitting Bull laughs as he flees and runs out into the parking lot! Jack pursues! He leads him to JFK's van where JFK and Gandhi, best friends, are talking)  
  
JFK: Heh heh heh! So she wanted me to take her away from the party, so instead, I just scooped her up an- (GASP!)  
  
(Gandhi gasps! He senses JFK has plotted against him because he finally realizes he was trying to sabotage their program! Jack manages to get his sword back by force.)  
  
Gandhi: What are you doing with Jack's sword? Hey, you were the one who was tryin' to sabotage the program, weren't you?!  
  
JFK: Er uh, er uh, er uh-  
  
Gandhi- Well, then I'm not thanking you for letting me borrow your van! Best friend indeed! (leaves slowly with his head down)  
  
(Jack sees his friend go, and his eyes dilate and palms rise up to his face, like the other characters do!)  
  
(Commercial break)  
(Joan approaches Abe again at his locker on the day his decision is due.)  
  
Abe: (a little nervous) Um, hey there, Joan! Um. those were some smooth moves I saw you make yesterday in class! But just don't try them OUTSIDE of class, um, hee hee.  
  
Joan: (holds Abe's hand) Abe, I'm just here to tell you that I fully support whomever you choose as your girlfriend.  
  
Abe: Oh, really?  
  
Joan: Yes. I look forward to your decision at the end of the day.  
  
Abe: So you can let bygones be bygones, huh?  
  
Joan: And so I can finally walk around with no blisters on my feet! (Camera zooms out to reveal that she's wearing only her right boot! They pause.)  
(The gym. Cleo approaches Jack, who is washing his hair with a bottle of water. Cue sexy music.)  
  
Cleo: Hey, Samurai. I'm so excited that you're teaching the students to stick up for themselves. I just LOOOVE men like that.  
  
Jack: Um. thank you. Um.I don't remember you in my class before.  
  
Cleo: Oh I have. special privileges. Hey, I'm thirsty. Good thing I have this. sticky sports drink with me. (pours it all over herself) Mmmm, wet!  
  
Jack: . I'mmmmmmmm sorry, but I'm just not attracted to you in that way.  
  
Cleo: I'm sorry. I'm not following.  
  
(Joan enters from right. Cut sexy music.)  
  
Joan: He's rejecting you!  
  
Cleo: Who asked you, Bleacher Trash?  
  
Jack: Now just a minute! I sense. hostility. in this room. I suggest you two leave before I am forced to use the skills I would've saved for my ADVANCED class.  
  
Cleo: Fine, but that doesn't mean I'll leave you alone. Jackie. (leaves left)  
  
Jack: This school has an odd student body.  
  
Joan: And you were lookin' at the oddest one.  
(Gandhi is at the DMV starting his driver's test. He tries his best to keep calm and have a clear mind. He even marches up to the driver's seat, as Mr. Ford makes a face.)  
  
Ford: Now, make a parallel park to the right in between those two cars.  
  
Gandhi: (to himself in his head) Focus on yourself. Don't do it for the instructor! For yourself! Be under the influence of Jack! (he makes it!)  
  
Ford: Very good, but. who's Jack?  
  
Gandhi: Oh! Uh.. Ssssssssssamurai Jack?  
  
Ford: Oh! THE Samurai Jack! I love his show, man! You study under him?  
  
Gandhi: Uh, yeah, man!  
  
Ford: Anyone who's a fan of Jack is a friend of mine! You pass, Gandhi!  
  
(Gandhi feels like a stage light is on him and a chorus sings Hallelujah!)  
  
Ford: Dammit, Gandhi! Turn off the overhead lights and turn off the radio station! You know I hate 107 FM!  
(The gym. JFK and his band of bullies enter, but not to cause a ruckus. Rather, too apologize!)  
  
JFK: Hey, everybody! We, er uh, are sorry about what happened back there. We were just tryin' to uphold our supreme macho-ness. But after seein' you guys move like that, I was uh,.  
  
(Scudworth storms in in a panic and yells)  
  
Scudworth: EVERYONE! I JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT THE SHADOWY FIGURES ARE COMING HERE ON THIS PERIOD TODAY! IF THEY DON'T SEE SOME ACTION FROM YOU SHRIMPS, I'M OUT OF A JOB! QUICK! I TRUST YOUR SKINNY CALVES ARE REAL! KNOCK EM' DEAD!  
  
JFK: On the other hand, (to his bullies) Hey, Beefies! Let's do what we do best!  
  
Jack: It's Showtime!  
  
(What follows is a whole montage of action, violence and karate chop moves, the Twinkies vs. the Bullies! The Twinkies try their best to look like they've actually learned something, and they actually do conquer their fears and beat the pulp out of the bigger guys! The Shadowy Figures bring popcorn and watch from the bleachers. (Abe is about to wallop Sitting Bull, when he shouts out a dedication to Cleo.)  
  
Abe: I choose you, Cleo! (he punches Sitting Bull unconscious. Man, I hope he has health insurance!)  
  
(Cleo jumps for joy as she is returned her lipstick!)  
  
(Joan stands from a far)  
  
Joan: I'm glad for you, Abe. (but then drops her head down, saddened. A second later, Abe tosses her boot, where the camera goes slow motion on it in the air! She perks up and throws the boot at a bully, knocking out his teeth!)  
  
(Soon, all the bullies are on the floor, worn out and beaten up. Only Jack and the geeks are standing. Jack takes his sword and slowly slides it back in his pocket)  
  
Shadowy Figure: Scudworth!  
  
(The Shadowy Figures all walk toward Scudworth in person.)  
  
Shadowy Figure: Well, Scudworth, seeing that fantastic fiasco made me change my mind about firing you. Let's shake, huh?  
  
Scudworth: Of course!  
  
(Scudworth flinches and they part, seeing that the Shadowy Figure has zapped him with a buzzer.)  
  
Scudworth: Oh, Mr. Figure! I really got it that time! Oh, you never fail to surprise me with your clever pranks!  
  
(Scudworth, SF and Mr. B all laugh over canned laughter!)  
  
(JFK lies on top of the heap of bullies, and cared after by the school nurse, Helen Keller. He talks through his broken teeth)  
  
JFK: That was the bestht moment of my life!  
(Jack, Abe, Gandhi, Joan and Cleo talk on the P. E. field)  
  
Gandhi: Hey, guess what, Mr. Jack! I passed the driver's test! I passed it!  
  
Jack: I congratulate you, Mr. Gandhi. Just keep practicing and you'll be traveling cross-country in no time!  
  
Gandhi: Ha ha! And thanks for teaching me those moves, man. They'll be useful in the future!  
  
Jack: You're very welcome, eager Gandhi. May life treat you healthy and heartful.  
  
Gandhi: W-wait, you're leaving?  
  
Jack: (looks off into the distance, a bit angered) I have to. I am bound by my honor never to rest until I get back what is rightfully mine.  
  
Gandhi: Oh.well then. uh. good-bye.I guess.  
  
Jack: Hey. (tosses him a torn part of his samurai robe) Keep this. Good- bye.  
  
(Jack wanders away from a happy Gandhi and from the Clone High campus, and heads toward the mountains, avoiding the roads. He disappears into the woods.)  
  
Abe: He sure cleaned up this town, didn't he?  
  
Gandhi: He sher did, partner. He sher did!  
  
(Camera focuses on the woods where he left, and rises upward to the mountains)  
  
(Quick cut to the typical Samurai Jack ending of his stern eyes, and the hip hop music from his show! It fades away, and then, the typical Clone High end cards appear with the Narrator speaking.)  
  
Narrator: Next week, on a very special Clone High: More unrequiented love, more Gandhi Tomfoolery, and more guest-stars. Oh, you know it, Charlie! 


End file.
